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One fascinating part of depression, is that undeniable, unyielding, unhealing crack at the center of your being. You feel it constantly, almost like being overly hungry, without the pain.
And regardless of how much you rally, steel yourself and regroup yourself to step forward. You feel you only used sand to fill it, and with every step, you feel it sift away, shift, until empty. This isn't emotional. It's entirely physical. And within you, you feel this void, contribute to all the things that ail you physically. Down to the mildest headache. Someday it empties at a slower pace. Others... The last grain of sand goes with the throes of dreamless sleep as you wake, if you sleep at all.
My daughter and I watching The Bad Batch Episode after Echo leaves the group to go with Rex.
Episode starts and Omegas depressed missing him.
Me: hello?!! Helloooo?! And I shrug.
Littlefoot: ..um. what?
Me: I was just checking. And nope.
Littlefoot: Nope what?
Me: There's no echo. 🤪
Littlefoot: Omg dad! ::Smack:: You're horrible!!!
Well alright then. In my barely noticable and significant existence, I still somehow managed to crawl right under that skin to send the message home. It's vr. It hurts. Really. Truly. Especially since I know the source. ::Snorts::
Schrodinger's Man. Whether alive or dead in that box, he remains... The problem.
03:46 Feb 09 2023 Times Read: 309
A type of person that's quickly rising on my list of Favorite hypocrites:.
A person, especially but not exclusively, a girl, woman would indicate maturity; who champions mental health, and freedom of emotional expression and advocates for victims of abuse from narcissists of every flavor. Yet, automatically hates males involved in any altercation or dispute, primarily because they are male, and demonizes any man's negative, inflammatory reactions in relation to the situation, because they can and should always do better. And, for lack of a better illustrator, immediately gaslights the male victim in a situation as the problem, for complaining about his plight.
Not only are these special case individuals deeply hurt, but they do nothing but further generational traumas, particularly if they happen to be unlucky enough to have siblings of the male persuasion. They are cold. Brutal. Unfeeling cunts whom despite not ever even having heard the term, schadenfreude, they take a deep participation in it. And There has to be a cure somewhere...
I'm a good person. I promise. As long as as I am not inconvenienced.
01:10 Feb 09 2023 Times Read: 332
Game looks fun. Principles look better. I'll play it eventually, but I won't sink a penny into it.
It's so easy to walk around and display yourself as someone who believes in good, then not actually stand for it when the time calls for it. When you can't even bring yourself to simply NOT buy something, to send a message, your morals rest in convenience and personal investment. And well see that's a nice double edged sword, if karma ever circles as it should.
I'm so sick of the whole "you're a garbage person because you bought a video game!" nonsense. Do you have a phone? Do you have clothing? I can bet some of it was made in a sweat shop. Do you drink Coke, eat Nestlé candy, buy anything off Amazon? I'd hate to inform you that those are all companies that are just as problematic as Rowling herself. Do, you enjoy the writings of Poe, Dr. Suess, Dickens, Lewis Carol, Lovecraft? Again, all problematic. Having morels and taking a stance is nice, and I respect you if you do. But, you can't condemn people who buy a video game, while you're supporting companies/people who are just as bad. I don't support Rowling, I don't condone her actions or share in her line of thinking,but I'm not going to not enjoy something just because she's a garbage person.
Of course you're tired of it. It in direct conflict with what you want to do. That's natural. You're so at odds with this, that you felt attacked by this post. That's for you to reflect on. Perhaps you already have.
Claiming to not support something, while contributing to it's support, is not only factually hypocritical, but comical in it's practice.
You just said my opening statement, in your last statement.
So what exactly are you tired of? Nothing I've pointed out is untrue. It's convenient for me to condemn, even though I'm just pointing out the hypocrisy. It just makes me feel better if It condemn hypocrites while in practice I am one myself. This isn't your first time being vocal about not supporting a good cause due to how it inconveniences you. We still drive despite our planet dying. We benefit from slave labor to even be able to post these silly journals. I take note that when a particular rising current issue, can be easily addressed and supported, and we look the other way for comfort, it's a deafening silent message. It's our individual choice. Getting mad at how those choices make us look is... Well... ::shrugs :: ... also a choice.
Ever so slightly
03:58 Feb 03 2023 Times Read: 365
Conversations where you feel the interaction is at the bare minimum to keep you placated but not feel ignored, are a pretty decent hint at what your next course of action should be.
I'm unfortunately a culprit in this at times. I respond to people so that I don't forget, because my mind is always going a mile a minute and I honestly overwhelm myself with how much I take on.
But the underlying reason is absolutely not malicious and you have other factors. If course this is to be considered on a conversation by conversation basis.
Sadly, there are those that can't be upfront about wanting less contact or distancing themselves.
...the Same month of his Birthday...
02:36 Feb 01 2023 Times Read: 307
I decided, after his decision to behave and talk as if I had been abusing him, that he had seen my face for the last time. Should he ever get to see his sons face again, it would be against my will, while I laid upon a hospital bed helpless.
Years later he died. This past December. The last remaining family on his side that I had not blocked, made the mistake of reaching out to me about his having yet another heart attack. The hospital was trying to get in contact with me. Strange, considering previous accusations. I blocked the courier of the message as soon as I received it. So he must have passed some days after.
I only found out today. Due to some bank finances that showed his having passed but not my grandmother who had passed in 2020. As per that side of the family, her death was not made public nor reported for very obvious fraud reasons. Can't get a check if the person receiving it is dead. Hence the bank not knowing. This is pure speculation on my part. Angry speculation.
Despite my anger, my insides are twisted. I hurt. This family is a special kind of broken, and my father did not have a fair go at life. I love him, and hate the circumstances. Fuck that. It's just broken. Nothing special about it. We hide it like everyone else.
Paranoid Schizophrenia is a brutal and dangerous condition.
I wanted to redeem my father when I was younger. Go from church to church when he was kicked out of for being "too strict" And defeat in debates those who threw dirt on him to uplift themselves. I am out of breath. Heavy. And filled with anger. I fought with my mother and sister every Thanksgiving and Christmas to include him. I am so angry that so many things were kept from me as I fought tooth and nail to sew the seams of this horrible family together. Ill miss his singing. HIs laugh his humor. Which I know I have some of. I've been so angry now I'm even more so. SO much to unpack... to say about this. To vent. No one to really confide in. Not anymore. He died alone... I assume. Without his books. Without his music. He lost cassettes over the years. The books... I had. I lost them too. My mind is sporadically jumping at facts and memories. I have the hymns he taught me. The hymns we sang together. Before I gave this asshole some of you call god, a chance, and was immediately betrayed by him. Every thought I have. Every irrational seething hateful thought I posses about god is because well, he wishes me to think that way. Or I'm crazy.
For all his devotion, my father... benefitted not once from his undying faith. He simply fell further apart. People hating him, not wanting to help him. Take advantage of him and abuse him. I'll turn this hate inward and feed this personal war I have with god. Because my fathers condition and upbringing... was a horr- IS a horror story. One that now lives on through what's left of the broken home he was a part of. Lives on through me.
And my sole dream... is to defeat the demons that have plagued my family.
But these demons... sure show how ugly people can be.
Including me. I failed him.
I let others be my excuse... and I failed him.
Which kills me... because this is damn near exactly how he told me My grandfather was looked at and how he died when he was younger. And as I have feared almost my entire life...
I wonder if I won't ever escape this.
To be hated like him. Be remember like him... and Die alone... the same month of his Birthday.
COMMENTS
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Vampirewitch39
23:56 Feb 28 2023
Very true.